Life maybe?

 There’s so much stuff going on I don’t even know where to start… I haven’t been feeling great lately. Ever since high school started things have changed. Middle school was bad enough but things are getting worse now. My friends aren’t there anymore, I’m failing classes so my parents think I’m a failure. They talk about how I have no drive or determination to do anything and when I think of that I think about my future if I continue down this path and how terrible it’s gonna be. I try to do better but I’m just not good enough to actually succeed. not gonna be able to get a job, not be able to pay for anything, I’m just gonna be a huge failure and my parents are gonna hate me for that. And now, when I look at myself in the mirror, I just want to shatter it into a million pieces just like how I feel. Just broken. I hate the way I look and the sound of my voice makes me wanna go deaf. I hate myself. So now wherever I’m at. I cover my face. I don’t want people to look at me and see how horrible I look or judge off of what I look like. I'm just afraid of what people will think of me. I don’t want people to hate me so I just hide myself from everyone else. So since I make myself invisible to people it makes me feel better knowing that no one will judge me because I’m never really there.I just keep all these things to myself until I explode and I hate it. I literally hate it. I wanna talk to someone who will understand me but I don’t feel like ruining their day with everything going on in my life and I want all of my thoughts to me because I don’t want other people to feel the way I’m feeling. I’m tired of waking up in the morning and thinking again? Really? The only time I’m able to escape all of this pain is when I’m asleep because nothing happens, no thoughts, no feelings, no nothing. I wish life was like that just nothing but you’re still alive but don’t feel any pain or any feeling. Like, I don’t wanna live but I don’t wanna die and I don’t know what to do with my life. People say that if you’re sad or depressed, don’t worry because you’ll get over this and life goes on. But to me that’s the saddest part just continuing life. Sure there will be a few good things maybe but you’re gonna experience more pain at some point. I just can’t handle everything. Life keeps throwing punches at me and I get knocked down but I have no strength left to get back up. It’s kinda like drowning you know? If someone is there for you, you’ll be alright, but if there isn’t... You’ll drown. That’s what I feel like right now I just wanna drown just let go of all this pain and suffering gone. I’m done with all of this. I’m done. I’m tired of feeling like I’m nothing, I’m tired of being alone, I don’t want to be a failure or for people to judge me. Why can’t I change? Is life worth all of this pain because right now it doesn’t seem like it. What if nothing ever changes? My life could very well be like this. So why should I be here to just go through more pain. People say that they love and care about me. But where are they when I need them the most? They say I’m never alone but why does it feel like I am? I would do anything at all to just have one person that understands me and that will be there for me but someone that won’t get hurt from my pain that’s all I want.

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